


The Secrets We Keep

by Volixagarde



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Canon Relationships, Canon-Atypical cursing, Canon-Typical Violence, Coming of Age, F/M, I think this is the first Divergent fic with a transgender male character, I will not hide how much i hate eric, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jai himself is fine, Lots of Cursing, M/M, a fair amount of headcanons are packed in, but him as eric just does not work, everyone is bi, open to critique, so eric has long greasy hair because Jai Courtney's portyal does NOT look good, takes place during the same year as tris because I'm unoriginal, two step brothers and their boyfriends try and survive, using book descriptions where I can, which is god damn surprising
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-07-29 13:58:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16265630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Volixagarde/pseuds/Volixagarde
Summary: [Divergent Fanfic, OCxOC, Canon Relationships Intact] I never thought that my brother would have any secrets for me to keep. But he's Divergent. I'm not. I'm just a transgender boy, but now that we're in Dauntless, that's not a secret. He spent the past two years keeping my secret, and now I have to keep his for the rest of our lives. But, as I learned, our lives may be shorter than we thought





	1. Chapter 1

My name is Crimson, and I’m not a girl. Everyone assumes I am, though. After all, the two X chromosomes and a birth name like Cadence fooled a lot of people. I don't bother correcting anyone, however. It would be considered a waste of time, a bump in a conversation that could go smoothly. I was always taught to never create any unnecessary bumps, to communicate only what’s important, and as efficiently as possible. It was the Erudite way, of course.  
Only my step brother Ash and my doctor knew about my situation.   
Ash was the obvious person to tell. We’ve been close since we were barely old enough to speak, and could trust each other with anything.  
My doctor, an older woman named Colleen Dawson, was a little less of an obvious choice. Well, I hadn’t really chosen to tell, more like I kind of blurted it out during a pelvic exam. She was kind, and we researched my feelings together. Gender dysphoria. It was nice to have a name for my condition. Evidently, in the past, people had taken hormones to help transition their bodies from birth sex to a more fitting look.  
It would be hard to synthesize everything needed for hormone replacement therapy, since it had been decades since anyone went through the process.  
If I was to stay in Erudite, I could research the procedure. Even though Erudite scientists were required to work towards a common goal, like working on the serums, many had pet projects. I’d need to provide a convincing reason why it was important, but Ash had already agreed to help with everything.   
That is, if we both stayed.   
I was falling asleep in class. Again.   
“Cadence, I know you need your energy for the Aptitude Test later, but please try to stay awake.” Mr. Hudson said.  
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. It was the last day of class, but Mr. Hudson was still lecturing to the very end. Geez, was Faction History really that important? I supposed it was important to learn from past mistakes.  
“Ash, you too.”  
Ash’s snoring ceased as he nearly jumped in his seat. “I’m awake, I’m awake!”  
The entire class chuckled.  
“I don’t know which of you is the worst influence, I swear.”   
Ash and I looked at each other with a smirk on each of our faces. That’s when I realized there was no possible way both of us were staying in Erudite. Of course, the Aptitude Test would figure that out.  
Eventually, class ended, and I went to the girls’ bathroom to make sure I didn’t look too nervous. Truth was, I was scared as hell, but I wasn’t Candor, so I could lie.  
There was an Abnegation girl there, with medium length blonde hair and dull blue eyes that were too large on her face. I smiled at her a little before pulling my annoyingly waist-length red hair back into a ponytail. “Hey, umm, I don’t know your name, but do you know how to braid hair?”  
“Yeah. Do you need help?” The girl smiled a little, in the awkward Abnegation way. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to help or if she felt obligated to because of the loose grey fabric she was assigned, but I really needed the help.  
“Yeah, sorry. I just want to make sure I look alright for the test, you know?” I usually wasn’t vain, but part of doing your best was putting effort into everything, including your appearance. Well, that’s what my mom thought, anyway. That’s why she made me keep my hair long.  
The Abnegation girl went to work with deft hands, remaining silent. I felt a little awkward, so I asked, “What do you think you’re going to get on the test, anyway?”  
“Oh, I, umm, I’m not sure.” She said as she worked.   
“Honestly, I'm not either.” I sighed. I folded my arms together under my chest, trying to comfort himself.  
“There, finished.” The girl took a step back.  
I looked in the mirror. “Thanks, it looks great!” I turned to the girl. “What's your name, anyway?” I held out my hand for a handshake.  
“I'm Beatrice, and yours?” She bowed her hand down. Right, Abnegation kids weren't very affectionate.  
Time to lie. “Cadence. Good luck on the test, by the way!” I smiled through the lie, took one last look in the mirror to make sure my soft brown eyeliner looked alright, and then left.  
Little did I know, I'd be seeing her again very soon.

0-0-0-0-0

It was already time for the Aptitude test, and I was terrified. Knots were forming in my stomach, and I was worried my lunch would come back up. Ash had already taken his test and was involved in the lively debate about the implications of a potential new serum in development. I didn’t let himself get involved, instead concentrating on not throwing up.  
“Glynn, Cadence!” My name wasn't the only one called, but it was the only I could focus on. I stood up on shaky legs.  
“Don't worry, you'll do fine.” Ash smiled, grabbing my small hand.   
I took a deep breath. “Th-thanks.” One last deep breath, and then I went to the testing room. An Abnegation woman named Elena helped me into the chair and handed me a small cup. “Drink.”  
“What is it?” I asked, examining it but determining nothing.  
“Part of the test,” Elena replied simply.  
“Is it a trust thing? Because no offense, but I don’t believe in the selfless shit Abnegation does.” My nostrils flared a little, and I realized how much I sounded like my mother.  
“Please, it’s part of the test.” The woman looked hurt but tried not to show it.  
Feeling bad for hurting her feelings, I drank the liquid. Tasteless, odorless.  
My eyelids started to go heavy, and I realized this was probably some sort of mind-altering substance. Great. As my eyes closed, I felt a sudden jolt of energy. I sat up, and the room was a dark void. Was I blind? What?  
Two pedestals appeared, one with a knife, the other with a basket of cheese.  
“Choose.” A woman’s voice said. I recognized her voice as Jeanine Matthews, leader of Erudite. Of course, this was a simulation.  
The knife would be smart for defense, but what if I didn’t need to defend myself? The cheese was a bargaining offer, maybe? Which do I pick, defense or diplomacy?  
“Choose!”  
“Geez, okay, Jeanine.” I rolled my eyes and picked the cheese, Diplomacy.   
The void faded into a classroom. I was standing at the desk of a teacher I’d never met in my life. “Cadence, hurry up and start your oral report on the process of making cheese!” He barked. Behind me, my classmates snickered.  
“I, umm, I didn’t know this was an assignment.” I stammered a little, cursing under my breath. Now I sounded stupid.  
“Do you mean to tell me you forgot to prepare?”  
I really didn’t know, but I had a nagging feeling that I should have been prepared.  
“Go on, present what you have.” The teacher rolled his eyes.  
I turned around. Ash and this cute guy in class --whose name I didn’t know, yet I’d had a crush on him for a couple months-- were sitting in the front row, whispering to each other.  
“Well, uh, um.” Oh God, fear was taking over. My legs started to shake, and my anxiety started to race through my veins, and I sank to my knees. Oh God, oh God. My breaths were quick and shallow, never enough air.  
“Wait!” My crush stood up. “I’m so sorry, but I was helping her, and we prepared for a completely different topic. It’s my fault, I’m sorry.”  
“Well, if that’s true, then you’ll take the failing grade instead. Cadence, is he telling the truth?”  
I knew my crush was lying his ass off, but he was trying to save me. I nodded, confirming the lie and letting him fail.  
I opened my eyes, and I was back in the testing room. I took deep breaths, finally able to fill my lungs. Damn, even simulated panic attacks were exhausting.  
Elena smiled at me. “Congratulations, Cadence, you belong in Amity!”  
Not at all what I was expecting.

0-0-0-0-0

That night, Ash and I sat in his room. Usually, the night before the choosing ceremony was meant to be spent alone, but Ash couldn’t trust me to be alone with my thoughts.   
“So, what did you get on your test?” I asked, pushing my toes into the flat of his foot. I leaned back against the headboard of his bed, and he leaned against the wall.  
“We’re not supposed to talk about it.” Ash poked my other foot with his own. It was a game we used to play as kids, and now it was just habit.  
“Since when do you follow rules?” I giggled. Seriously, if Ash followed rules, then I was meant for Candor.   
“How about you? What did you get?” He looked away from me, unusually somber.  
“Amity. The test was super stressful. Did you have to do a panic-inducing oral report about cheese too?”  
“Panic inducing… cheese? No, that wasn’t mine.” He shook his head, then looked up at me with his steely grey eyes. “You know how I’m keeping the gender secret for you?”  
“Y-yeah, why?” I raised an eyebrow.  
“I need you to keep a secret for me.” He leaned in close. “Promise you won’t tell anyone?”  
I leaned in close as well, sensing that this was serious. “I promise, Ash. Whatever you say will remain between us. Forever.”  
“I’m Divergent.”


	2. Chapter 2

“What does Divergent even mean?” I asked in a hushed whisper. “I’d heard rumors of it, but…”  
“There are two factions that I fit in equally well. Dauntless and Erudite.” Ash ran a hand through his jet black hair and sighed. “So I have no idea what to choose.”  
“That’s… rough.” I leaned back and shook my head. “I don’t know what I’m going to do either.”  
“You have one choice.” Ash shrugged.  
“Do I, though? I could stay and research my transition. In Amity, there’s no hope of that.” I started picking at a hangnail on my thumb. It was a habit, one I probably needed to break. “Or I could go to Dauntless with you.”  
“Dude, Dauntless is ruthless. I don’t know if you’d make it. Hell, I’m not even sure if I’m going there.”   
“Of course you are. I’ve seen the way you watch them jump off the train and climb on the statues.” I snorted. “I can see it in your eyes, man. You weren’t meant for Erudite.”   
“But that doesn’t mean you’re cut out for it.” Ash shook his head.  
“I don’t want to lose you.” Tears started to well up in my eyes.   
“Crimson.”. Ash put a hand on my ankle. “You have to do what's right for you. Faction before blood, you know?”  
I sighed and looked away from him. “Yeah, you're right.”   
After all, he was always right.

0-0-0-0-0

Thankfully, my sleep was dreamless. Usually I had vivid, downright bizarre dreams, but that night had been quiet. I didn't believe in any God, but I thanked Him anyway.   
I got out of bed and went to me and Ash’s shared bathroom to take a quick shower. Once Ash started banging on the door, I got out and went back to my room, my hair wrapped up in the towel on my head.  
Choosing Ceremony. Right.   
I picked out a navy blue pair of slacks, a smart light blue button up that flattened my chest well, and a bright blue over shirt. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and put on my brown eyeliner and soft peach lipstick. Makeup was expected of me, and I've learned to love it.   
I step out of my room and into the dining room. Mom is making breakfast, and Dad is sitting at the table, working on his tablet.  
“Oh, hello, Cadence. Is your brother up?” Dad asked.  
“He is. Probably will be down soon.” I sat down in my seat.  
No one brought up the Choosing Ceremony. Even when Ash came down and we all ate our breakfast, we kept our discussion to lighter things.   
Our parents must have known we would both be leaving.  
“Cadence, why don't you let me braid your hair for you?” My mother said after we cleaned up dishes. I could see in her eyes that she wanted to talk, so I agreed. She sat me down on a stool and started braiding my hair. “It's getting so long.”  
I couldn't let her know how much I hated my hair, so I smiled and nodded.  
“You know I love you no matter what, right?” It sounded like she was choking back tears.  
“I know, Mom. I love you too.” Even if her perception of me wasn't right, I knew she was still my mom.  
“You didn't get Erudite on your test, did you?”   
I shook my head. “Amity.”  
“Amity's good.” Oh God, she was starting to cry. She tied the end of my hair with a hair tie. “Y-you’ll be able to do a lot of good there, yeah?”  
I stood up and hugged her close. “I'm so sorry, Mom.”  
“Cadence, never be sorry for being yourself. I understand completely.” She pulled back a little and cupped my cheek in her hand. “You are amazing, no matter where you end up.”  
The two of us stood there and cried for what seemed like ages. Eventually, Ash and Dad came in to tell us that it was time to go. 

0-0-0-0-0

My heart pounded as Marcus Eaton gave his speech. The speech itself could lull me to sleep, but the fact that I was probably about to leave my family kept me on edge. My left hand was tight in my mother's, and the other hand gripped Ash's.  
And then, names were called. Since it went in reverse order, “White, Ash!” was the second name announced.  
Letting go of his hand was one of the hardest things I'd had to do.  
He sliced his palm and let his blood drip into the coals. Dauntless.  
My mom gripped my hand tighter, and I knew, in that moment, that I couldn't leave Erudite. I couldn't leave my family. I needed them, and they needed me.  
Yet… as more and more people joined Dauntless, like “Prior, Beatrice!”, the girl who helped braid my hair, and “Perkins, Infinity!”, the blue haired Dauntless boy who'd just been called up, I couldn't help but feeling like I should follow them. None of the other factions called out to me like that, not even Amity or Erudite.   
“Glynn, Cadence!”  
I hugged my mom as I stood up. She nodded at me, understanding that I wasn't staying with her and Dad.  
I went down the stairs, legs weak, arms like noodles. I took the knife and sliced my palm.   
Three options. Erudite, my home. Amity, my aptitude. Dauntless, my brother.  
My blood trickled into the coals.   
I chose my brother.  
I was supposed to hand the knife back, but an impulse twitched in my veins. Without thinking, I pulled my braid to the side and sliced it off, freeing myself from my family.  
Everyone's stares sliced into me deeper than the knife I held. I gave a sheepish smile as I handed the knife back and went to the Dauntless section, red braid still in my hand.  
Ash was already surrounded by other initiates, so I sat in the front row. Eventually, and Abnegation boy “Drina, Shuî!” joined Dauntless and sat next to me. We nodded at each other but didn’t speak. For an Abnegation to leave home, let alone join Dauntless, was surprising, and this year, there were two. Honestly, I knew Abnegation was screwed up, but did something happen?  
The ceremony ended a couple minutes later, and the Dauntless kids started running towards the stairs. I’d never actually taken the stairs, only the elevators. The stairs were inefficient at the twenty stories.  
Maybe it was time to stop thinking about efficiency.  
The Abnegation boy ran alongside me as we went down the stairs. By the end of the run, we were both exhausted, but then we had to climb up to a platform. Great.  
“Ladies first.” The Abnegation boy said, motioning to the scaffolding.  
“Here goes nothing,” I muttered as I started the climb. It really wasn't that bad, but then I noticed what was on the platform.  
Train tracks.  
They were going to make us jump on a moving train. I saw the train heading our way with no intention of slowing down. As it went by, the Dauntless got on the first couple cars.  
Ash started running alongside the train, and the Abnegation boy followed. I took a deep breath and ran behind them.  
They made it on with little effort, so it seemed. However, I was quickly running out of room to jump.  
I reached the end of the platform and had to make a choice. Fly or die.  
There wasn't even a choice.  
I leaped off the platform towards the train.  
I flew.


	3. Chapter 3

I let go of the braid as soon as I was in the air. It felt like a weight lifted, an old life left behind.  
Ash and the Abnegation boy grabbed me and pulled me into the car, and I took a deep breath. Holy shit, I just jumped onto a train.   
“You look weird with short hair,” Ash commented.   
I ran my hand through the tresses that now hung down to the top of my neck. In front, it was longer since I hadn't tried to cut it evenly.  
“I kinda like it.”  
“It'll look better once you have someone who actually knows what they're doing cut it.” Ash ruffled my hair with a smirk.  
I knew he was teasing me, but I didn't mind. Instead, I sighed with relief. “Thanks for helping me, guys.” I made sure to look at the Abnegation boy, since I didn't think I'd heard him speak.   
“Oh, it's not a big deal.” He looked over to the floor and folded his arms under his chest. “Just doing the right thing.”  
“And I'm not gonna let my brother die.”   
Brother. He called me his brother.  
No one seemed to notice, instead wrapped up in the fact that they'd just jumped on a train. The Abnegation boy gave a strange look, but didn't comment.  
I started to think about the possibility of embracing my identity. Sure, I wouldn't be able to medically transition, but I could live my life as a man.   
My breasts would give it all away, though. Would breast reduction surgery be a possibility? I knew it had been done for medical reasons, but I'd never heard of it happening for vanity.  
“I'm Shuî.” The Abnegation boy blurted out. “Shuî Drina.”  
“I'm Ash, and this is my sister Cadence.”  
I looked up and waved slightly.  
Ash went over to the train door and leaned out a little. “Looks like it's time to jump in a minute.”  
I went up and looked out, and sure enough, the people in the front cars were jumping off onto a flat rooftop. When it was our turn, I got a running start and leaped off.  
I started to enjoy that weightless feeling.  
The jump was less dramatic, and when I landed, I had to take a couple steps to slow my momentum. Still, I fell forward to my knees, and the gravel dug into my knees and calves.  
Shuî came over and helped me up. My eyes locked onto his mocha brown eyes, and I found myself blushing. He was actually fairly cute, with skin almost paler than mine and short brown hair that curled a little at the tips. He would look even better once he wasn't wearing clothes and an expression that forced him to blend in with his surroundings.  
As we got our bearings, I noticed a girl wailing that the edge of the building. I didn't go up to look, but I could tell that someone didn't make it.   
The Dauntless man up front started talking to us, like someone hadn't just died. His name was Max, and this was a test of bravery, yadda yadda yadda. Thoughts swam through my mind, taking my attention away from the outside world.  
And then I realized we were about to jump off the building. The Dauntless really loved that weightless feeling. I supposed I was Dauntless, too, so I'd have to learn to love it too.   
Beatrice was the first jumper. I was surprised, but then again, that day was full of surprises.   
After a few more jumpers, Ash walked up to the ledge. He hesitated for a moment, which I'd never seen him do, and then he stepped off the ledge. A scream that fell somewhere between delight and terror filled my ears, unfamiliar to me. I'd never, ever seen him afraid. Not when we went to the top floor of the Hub on a field trip when we were 5 to some of the offices up there. Even though half our class was scared to even get close to the windows, he ran up and pressed his face against the glass, excited to see everything he could. He wasn't scared when we went to the labs when we were ten to see the different career options. A few kids were scared of some of the machines, and pretty much everyone was scared when they showed us how flammable magnesium was, but he just grinned as he took in all the information he could. He wasn't scared before the aptitude test, and even when he told me he was Divergent, he didn't seem scared.  
But this? This scared him.  
I found myself walking towards the ledge. I just had to see what could be so scary that even my brother was scared enough to scream.  
It turns out it was a giant hole with no visible bottom. Yeah, that was pretty terrifying.  
I took a deep breath. Logically, I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. There would be a net, or possibly water, to break out fall. They wouldn't kill off their initiates, it would be unsustainable.   
I jumped off, and instantly I began screaming. I was going to die, I was going to die. This was worse than jumping on the train.   
A net broke my fall. I was alive.   
Hands reached out to grab me, both from Dauntless members and the transfers that had already jumped. I grabbed Ash’s hand, and a Dauntless man with a potato-shaped head and cherry red hair’s hand. I was alive.  
“What's your name, girly?” Cherry potato man asked me as he helped me up. “You only get one chance to change it, so if your current name doesn't suit you, pick now.”  
Girly. I knew if I didn't say something then, I'd never get the chance again. This was my one chance to come out. Was I brave enough?  
“You know, we have to have something to call you.”  
I took a deep breath and grabbed my brother's arm for support. “My name is Crimson.” I paused for a second. “And I am a boy.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Well, I've never met a boy that looks like you, but alright.” Cherry laughed. “My name is Ryke. Welcome to Dauntless!” He held my hand up and everyone cheered.  
As I was escorted to the side by Ash, Shuî came crashing down into the net. He was welcomed into Dauntless without changing his name, and then he came over to us. “That was intense.”  
“It was amazing, that's what it was.” Ash laughed as he put a hand around my shoulder. “So, Crimson, out of the closet, now?”   
I awkwardly laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.”  
“At least I can call you a boy in public now.” Ash rubbed my shoulder a bit before removing his hand and stretching.   
“Boy?” Shuî raised one of this thick eyebrows.   
“Y-yeah, I'm transgender.” God, I wished I could get rid of my stutter. 'Y’ sounds always through me off, especially when I was nervous. I mentally cursed myself out.  
“Transgender? What does that mean?”   
“I'll explain later.” I shook my head. It would be easier once I knew there would be time to elaborate. “Okay?”  
“Sure, I guess.”  
Soon after, all the initiates made it down, and we began walking through the rocky corridor. I found myself walking close to my brother, unwilling to separate. This place was foreign, and he was the only thing I knew.  
“Dauntless borns, you'll go with Lauren. I'm assuming you don't need a tour of the place.” The black-clad teenagers all followed a young woman with piercings in strategic locations. None of her piercings looked strange on her; they seemed to fit perfectly in place, making her look equally terrifying and beautiful.   
“Transfers, I normally work in computers, but you'll be with me for your training. My name is Four.” The young man at the front of the group said.  
“Like the number?” One of the Candor girls snorted.   
My mind went to awful, awful places, and due to Ash's stifled laughter, I knew where his mind went too.  
“Exactly like the number.” Four said to the Candor girl before turning to the two of us. “Is that a problem?” He glared at us with dark blue, almost black eyes.  
I instantly froze. “N-no, sir.”  
Ash, however, wasn't smart enough to back down. “You've got to know why we were laughing.” He glanced around for a moment. “We were all thinking the same thing.”   
Four got right up in Ash's face, despite Ash's freakishly tall frame giving him a six-inch advantage, but he didn't seem fazed. However, the slight bob of his Adam's apple betrayed my brother's fear, at least to me.   
“You know, I'm surprised you're not from Candor with that smart ass of yours. Maybe you belong there instead, hmm?” Four narrowed his eyes. “Maybe I should take you there right now.”  
“If you took me to Candor, you'd have to deal with a lot more smart asses than me.” Ash chuckled, and I wanted to smack some sense into him.  
Four took a step back and shook his head in disappointment. “You know, pissing off your instructor on your first day isn't very smart.”  
“Not being smart is why I left Erudite.”  
Four sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Obviously.” He took a deep breath and regained his composure. “Anyway, let's continue the tour.”  
We began walking again, and I slapped Ash's arm. “Dumbass.”  
Ash grinned. “I know.”  
“Seriously, what makes you think they won't shove you off the roof?” I shook my head as the group started walking.   
Ash shrugged, and I wanted to slap him across that sly smirk he wore. Geez, did he just not care about his life? Even if he was in danger since he's Divergent, he should be less stupid.  
Four led us to the Pit, and holy shit, he was right in calling it that. I swore I couldn't even see the other side, though the dim lighting wasn't helping. Paths weaved across the gaping chasm, no handrails in sight.   
I took a step closer to the edge, fascinated by our new home, but Ash grabbed my wrist. To an outsider, it probably looked like he was just keeping me from falling, but when I looked back, I saw his Adam's apple bob slightly. He was scared for me.  
We then followed him through the rest of the compound, learning where the cafeteria, training rooms, chasm, and shops were.  
Eventually, Four led us to our dorms, where a man with long, greasy dark hair waited for us.  
“Took you guys long enough.” The man said, eyeing us up. Something about the way he looked at us creeped me out, but I couldn't put my finger on it. “Anyway, I'm Eric, a leader of Dauntless, and I'll be overseeing your training. Come on, let's get you in your dorms.” He went inside the door, and we all followed.  
“Is this the girls’ or the boys’?” One of the Candor boys asked.   
“Both.” Eric smirked.  
Honestly, I was kind of relieved. I didn't want to make a big deal of the gender thing, yet.  
“Wait, there are only twelve beds, but there are 14 of us.” One of the Erudite girls, I think her name was Myra, pointed out.   
“A higher portion of you made it to the compound than we thought would.” Eric shrugged. “But don't worry, there will probably be enough room once some of you get cut.”   
“Cut?”  
Four spoke up. “There are three stages of initiation: physical, mental, and emotional. After the first stage, the four lowest-ranking initiates are cut from Dauntless. The rest will be cut after stage three until we have the amount of Dauntless we're accepting.”  
“This year, it's fourteen initiates. Oh, and you'll be ranked alongside the Dauntless born, so don't think that just because you're not going through the same thing as them, that you have it easy.” Eric added.  
“What happens if we get cut?”  
“You'll be asked to leave Dauntless and become factionless.”  
Shit.  
There was a moment of silence.  
“But that's not fair!” One of the Candor girls shouted.  
“Are you saying you wouldn't have joined if you'd have known it would be hard? You chose us, now we have to choose you.” Eric sneered before he and Four left.   
“So, umm, how are we doing bed stuff?” The big Candor guy asked. “Is someone going to sleep on the floor?”  
There was an awkward moment where no one wanted to volunteer to sleep on the floor.   
“Crimson and I can share a bed. We're brothers, and we had to share one for months as kids. We can survive for a few weeks, right Crimson?”  
I nodded.  
“Wait, she's a boy?” The Candor girl who insulted Four’s name earlier said.   
And everyone started looking at me. Fuck.  
I pulled my arms under my chest. “Y-yeah, I'm a transgender boy.”  
“What's that mean? Were you, like, born with both parts or something?” The girl who called Dauntless’s recruitment system unfair asked. I really needed to learn everyone's names.  
“That's not even possible.” The boy next to her muttered.  
“It means his brain is male, but while he was in the womb, his body received the wrong signals and developed female.” Ash explained. I wished I didn't have to rely on him to explain stuff for me, but he was always better at talking.   
“Oh, so she's just confused.” A different Candor boy said, a smirk on his face.  
“No, I'm not.” I shook my head. “I know that for sure. I am a boy.”  
One of the Erudite boys, Will, spoke up. “There is actually evidence that it could happen. It's incredibly rare, and I've never met someone like that in person, but it's possible.”  
“So, like, does she have a dick inside her and it's trying to come out?” The boy who said being intersex was impossible said.   
I stopped being nervous for a moment just to take in the sheer stupidity of that statement. “No…”  
“Don't we still have the bed situation to take care of?” Shuî asked.   
“Oh, right!” Myra said. “I can share a bed with Edward.” She grabbed the boy next to her’s hand and grinned.  
“Also, Four mentioned something about there being clothes waiting for us in the shower room.” Someone said. We all followed her into the showers and…  
“Oh geez, there aren't any separators.” The big Candor guy groaned.   
Fuck.   
“Can we all collectively agree to just not look at each other?” Shuî asked.  
“Amen to that.”

0-0-0-0-0

We all went down to the cafeteria to eat lunch. I tugged down at my new black tank top. It showed a little more cleavage than I'd like, but it was the only thing left that fit. Someone said they were going to bring us more clothes after dinner, but after that, we'd have to buy stuff with our allotted points.  
Ash and Shuî sat with me at the end of one of the tables, Shuî right next to me and Ash catty-corner. I bit into a burger, and damn was it good.  
“What is this stuff?” Shuî asked, picking one up and eyeing it suspiciously.  
“You've never had a burger before?” Ash raised an eyebrow.  
“They're really fucking good, man.” I smiled after I swallowed my food.  
“You know why the burgers are so good?” A blue-haired Dauntless boy said as he sat down at our table next to Ash, across from me.  
“It's fresh?” I asked.  
“That's what we do to people who get kicked out of Dauntless.” He smirked and bit into a burger he had in his hand.   
I set my burger down and nearly gagged. I knew he was joking, but… eww.  
“Anyway, welcome to Dauntless. I'm your unofficial welcoming committee, Infinity.”  
“You're not much of a committee.” Ash smirked. “More like a madman.”  
“There are really people in these?” Shuî's chocolate brown eyes went wide.  
“Of course not. People meat's a lot tougher.” He smirked. “And madman is probably pretty close.”  
“Anyone who jokes about cannibalism so casually I'd definitely a madman.” I shook my head and grabbed an apple.   
“Anyway, what are all of your names?”  
“Ash.”  
“Shuî.”  
“Crimson.” I said after swallowing my bite of apple.  
“Oh, you're the boy with the great tits.” Infinity smirked. “People are talking about you, man. And I must say, they are pretty great.”  
I covered my chest and looked away, embarrassed.  
“What, it's true. You agree, right?” He slapped Ash's arm jokingly.  
“... he's my brother.”  
Infinity stayed quiet for a moment before bursting into laughter. “I'm sorry, man. But Shuî, you've got to agree, right?”  
“Umm, I hadn't noticed.”  
“What are you, gay?” Infinity chuckled.  
Shuî looked at the ground, cheeks red.  
“Fuck, you actually are, aren't you?”  
“Is that a problem?” Ash asked, raising an eyebrow. Indirectly asking if it was okay for him to be openly bisexual. Smart.  
“Nah. Most people here in Dauntless only care if you're into them or not. It doesn't matter who else you're into.” Infinity shrugged and took another bite of his burger.   
“That's comforting,” I said.   
“You guys should really eat up. You'll be starting training after this, and it's pretty brutal.” Infinity got up. “Though, I supposed I ruined burgers for you, eh, Stiff?”  
“Please don't call me that.” Shuî sighed and looked down to the ground.  
“See you kids around. That is, assuming you don't die.” He chuckled and walked off, leaving the rest of us unsettled.  
After all, we could die here.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I know I fucked up the first day schedule. I'm sorry about that. Some minor aspects of the initiation may be changed to account for the four extra characters, plus I don't have the books in person and my reading tablet is… defunct. I apologize.

Somehow between Infinity's vulgar comments and the realization I might die, I managed to keep my lunch down. It was a somewhat significant feat since I was known for having a weak stomach.   
All of us transfers went down to the training room. Four, Eric, and Ryke all stood there waiting for us.   
“Alright initiates, listen up!” Eric yelled. “Since there's so many of you this year, we have our Gym Manager Ryke here to assist in training for the first stage.”  
“Yo.” Ryke nodded, and everyone else waved or nodded.   
“First, we're going to do some warm-up exercises, and then we'll start teaching you some basic punches and kicks.” Four said.  
Unfortunately, the warm-ups were a lot more difficult than I anticipated. While daily exercise was encouraged in Erudite, most people considered taking a couple flights of stairs instead of elevators to be enough. Ash occasionally went on jogs on his days off, but I never joined him.  
I wish I would have because I was beat after the warm-up.  
And then the real stuff began. Eric, Four, and Ryke took turns demonstrating the moves on their bags, and occasionally on each other, and we were expected to copy. Eventually, Four and Ryke started coming around to answer questions.  
I was struggling to even get the punching bag to move. No matter how hard I tried to hit the damn thing, it just wouldn't move.  
“You're working yourself too hard.” Four said as he approached me.   
“Well, it seems like no one else is struggling to get the thing to move, so I have to work hard.” I said between breaths, continuing to hit the bag.  
“It's not about getting the thing to move. It's about demonstrating good form.” He said. “Don't worry about hitting as hard as the others. You're small, you're not gonna hit like them at first. Instead, try and get the movement down.”   
I took a deep breath. “Yes, sir.”   
“And since you're small, like Tris, I'll give you the same advice I gave her. Since you don't have strength on your side, you'll have to be smart and quick. Your power will have to come from your speed.”   
“Thank you, sir.”  
“Your welcome.” He nodded and then went over to Shuî to help him.  
I started taking his advice, and by the end of the session, I felt like I was doing much better. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad. My arms burned, sure, but I'd hopefully get used to it.   
“Hey, Crimson, right?” Ryke said, walking up to me as I got done at the water fountain. “You're doing a lot better. Four give some good advice?”   
I nodded. “Yeah, he helped me focus on form instead of the effect I was causing.”   
“Good. Especially good for someone who doesn't have much muscle mass.” Ryke nodded. “By the way, I usually open up the training room a couple hours before breakfast for people who want to train before they go off to the fence. If you want to get in better shape, you're welcome to come in whenever you want.”  
, “That sounds great.” I smile. “Wait, is that allowed?”  
“Yeah, since it's available to everyone. I highly recommend it for you, though. Even though the first stage doesn't impact your overall rank as much as the other two, ranking higher can prevent you from getting cut.”  
“Alright. I'll be there!”   
“See you tomorrow morning, muffin.” Ryke ruffled my hair and left.  
“Muffin?” Ash laughed as he slung an arm around me. How long had he been there? “You're not giving our instructor favors on the side, are you?”   
“No!” I felt my face heat up. I hadn't even thought about that, and thinking about it… I don't know, but I still wouldn't do that after having met him a few hours ago.  
“I'm kidding, relax.” Ash smiled and took his arm off from around me. “You know, hitting stuff is actually really fun.”  
“I love it, but damn it's exhausting.”  
“Lactic acid build-ups, yo.” Ash stretched his arm. “Ready to go eat?”   
“Oh my God, yes!”

0-0-0-0-0

“How was your first day of training?” Infinity asked as he sat down with us. “I'm guessing you guys did the punching stuff, based on your knuckles.”  
I looked at my knuckles, noting the purple bruises that were forming. This was going to hurt like hell in a bit, but there was still that ‘holy fuck, I just punched a bunch of shit’ feeling coursing through my veins.  
“It'll be worse once you guys fight each other.” Infinity shrugged.  
“Wait, we'll fight each other?” Ash asked.  
“They haven't told you yet? Shit, sorry.” Infinity grabbed a leg from the platter of fried chicken. I had to admit, I preferred poultry to red meat any day, but fish was the best. We had a lot of fish in Erudite, but here in Dauntless, protein was probably the most important thing to them.   
Meals here are just different in general. Here in Dauntless, they serve them communal style. Everyone eats at the same time. Back in Erudite, families would often eat breakfast together, usually something quick like toast with butter and a piece of fruit. Then, kids ate at school, and their parents would get quick, pre-prepared meals that they would eat while they worked. Dinner depended on when the adults left work. Mom would cook for us when she was home (Dad usually worked late and had the leftovers), but on nights when Ash an I were alone, we'd go down to the food place on the first floor of our apartment building and pick up prepared meals. Abnegation members used to be the ones to prep the meals (under the supervision of Erudite nutritionists, of course), but once our leader Jeanine stopped trusting Abnegation, Erudite students 14 and older (and adults who's jobs started after lunch) would be assigned a day of the week where we left class an hour before lunch to help prepare meals to send to workplaces. Abnegation still took care of school lunch, even though the school was run by Erudite.   
Ash and I worked on Tuesdays, and it was never difficult. Basically, once the meat is cooked, package it with the premade sides and close the box. Sometimes, instead of cooking meat, we just made sandwiches, which was even quicker. It was an easy job, and got us a bit of extra credit to spend.  
I started reminiscing about Tuesdays with Ash and sighed. Things were going to be different now. I supposed that was natural, but that didn't mean I had to like it.  
“Hey, Crimson, you there?” Infinity snapped in my face, bringing me back to reality.  
“What?” I blinked and looked up at him.  
“You know, if you wanted to get your hair evened out, you have a couple hours until curfew.” Infinity leaned back in his chair.  
“I'm going too, if you want to.” Ash shrugged. “I was thinking of getting my hair dyed.”  
“Ooh, what color?” I raised an eyebrow.  
“I'm going to bleach it white, then go from there.”   
“Stiff, you should get yours dyed too. Go bright blue like me.” Infinity smirked.  
“I mean, uh, I don’t want to dye my hair, Infinity.” Shuî seemed to be able to keep the fried chicken down, considering Infinity hadn't said it's made of people.  
“Infinity is too formal. Call me Fin.”   
Shuî thought for a moment. “Well, Stiff is too rude. Call me Shuî.” He sounded unsure, like he'd never made a comeback before. It was kind of adorable, honestly.  
“Ooh, he sasses me back. Could use some better execution, but overall, not bad, Shuî.” Fin clapped a little. “Anyway, if you guys need help finding the hair place, I can take you whenever.”  
“I'm actually ready to go now, if you are.” Ash shrugged and looked at me.  
“Oh, yeah, I'm ready,” I said.  
“I'm just going to head back to the dorm. I'll see you guys later.”  
“See you tomorrow, Stiff.” Fin stood up. “Alright, kids, let's go.”

0-0-0-0-0

Fin dropped us off at the hair salon, then went off to hang out with some of his Dauntless friends. I gave Ash's hand a quick squeeze, mostly to reassure myself that this was going to be okay, and then we went inside.  
Ash already knew what he was doing, so one of the stylists took him to her station behind a curtain. I, however, didn't know exactly what I wanted, so my stylist, a twenty-something woman named Marona, let me flip through her book and see what I liked. Eventually, I found a cut where the sides and back were buzzed short while the top was left with a couple inches. “Hey, can I get this but a smidge longer?”  
“No problem! Any colorations today?” Marona smiled, pressing her hands together. I swore, as her arms tucked in a bit, she was trying to show off her breasts. Not that I was complaining. I tore my eyes off her cleavage for a second to shake my head at her question. “Alright, I understand! Come on, sit down!” She turned on her heel and flounced over to her station, and I followed, gulping down any saliva that had accumulated. Fuck, she was gorgeous.  
I sat down at the chair, and she spun me towards the mirror. “So, Crimson, you're the boy who everyone thinks is a girl, right?” Marona asked, spraying my hair with a water bottle.   
“That's a way to put it, yeah,” I said, trying not to move too much as she combed my hair.   
“Well, this haircut should help with that, at least a little.” There was the first snip. “Right now, I'm evening it out so that I can cut it better.”  
“Yeah, I know, cutting it off with a knife wasn't the best haircut I've ever gotten. It used to go down to my waist.”  
“Man, I would have had fun with that!” She laughed a little as she continued snipping. “My sister over there bleaching your brother's hair, May, has waist length hair on half of her head. I love practicing updos on her.”   
“She's your sister?” I raised an eyebrow.  
“Different mothers. Her mom was Asian, mine was white. Both are happily married to our dad.” Marona shrugged. “I know, three-person marriage sounds weird.”  
Admittedly, it did sound weird, but not bad. I smiled. “As long as you're all happy.”  
“Yeah, we are.” Marona smiled. “Alright, evened up. You ready?”  
I nodded my head. I needed this change, something to cement the fact that I wasn't at home anymore.  
This was my new home.  
The rest of my haircut went smoothly. Marona told me more about Dauntless life. It was fascinating hearing how different growing up her was from growing up in Erudite. Eventually, she made her last snip. “Alright, I think you're all set!” She set down her scissors and clapped her hands.  
Damn, I looked good. I ran a hand through my hair, admiring how short it was. “Wow, this looks great!”  
“Thank you! And oh yeah, you have a pretty big cowlick up here, so your hair's naturally going to flip up to the right.” She tried to smooth the two main unruly tufts down, but they sprung up instantly. “It's probably going to be best to just work with it when you style your hair.”  
“I like them. Gives me character.” I smiled. I really, really liked the short hair. “Thanks so much.” I smiled as I got out of the chair.  
“No problem! You'll probably want to come back once a month or so to touch it up.”  
That was, assuming I made it into Dauntless.  
“Whoa, Crimson, you actually kinda look like a boy from the neck up.” Ash said as he smirked and leaned against the wall. His hair was a light orange, way lighter than mine.   
I hated it. It looked just awful.  
“And you look… erm, brave?”  
“We're bleaching it lighter in a couple days, so this is just temporary.” Ash laughed. “You can't go from black to white in a day.”  
“True, but…” I shook my head. “You just look so different.”  
Ash shrugged. “So do you. We're Dauntless now.”  
And potentially factionless in a few weeks, but who cared? I sighed. “You're right. Hopefully it looks better after another round of bleach.”  
“It will.” Ash smiled. “You ready to get back to the dorms?”  
“Yeah, I need to sleep. I'm meeting Ryke to train early in the morning. You want to come?” I asked as we left the hair salon.  
“Not tomorrow. Need my beauty sleep.”  
I chuckled. “You need all beauty sleep you can get with that ugly ass hair.”  
“Shut up.” He laughed as well and jokingly shoved me towards the wall.

0-0-0-0-0

Last time Ash an I had shared a bed, we were both 5 years old. Erudite apartments came pre-furnished, and when families grew, they just moved apartments. Our parents had recently gotten married, but there weren't any three bedrooms ready for a couple months, so we shared the bed. It was easy because we were so little.  
Now that we were adults, and Ash was 6’6”, sharing was less comfortable. A lot less comfortable.   
There was only one pillow for the both of us, so instead of sleeping in opposite directions, we had to sleep with both our heads on the pillow. Our backs pressed together, and I doubted either of us would sleep very well.  
It was made worse by the big Candor guy, Al, quietly sobbing. He was a few beds away, so there was nothing I could do but press my ear to the pillow and hope he shut up.  
Eventually, Ash's breath slowed, and I knew he was finally asleep. I wondered if he missed home like I did.   
For me, though, he was the most important part of home. If he was here, then I knew everything would be okay. We just both had to make it through Initiation.   
Easier said than done.


End file.
